My Pound of Flesh - Feeding the Wolves and Paying my Dues
- Apr 4
- 6 min read
Updated: 5 days ago
The first time I heard the phrase “pound of flesh” was when my mom was near hysteria after another financial crisis. These were pretty common during my upbringing.
The Story I Was Told
Without knowing it at the time, not until many years later. I realized these moments were one of the many times my unhealthy money mindset began to manifest. And that without realizing it, I was raised to believe that money was hard to come by, that when you get it, it gets unjustly taken by a very corrupt system, that the world was designed so the “rich got richer and the poor got poorer”. So really what was the point in trying to make more money? The wolves as my mother called them, always demanding their pound of flesh.
Much like King George and his relentless taxing in Robin Hood. As a child this movie truly helped my little mind wrap my head around what was happening to us. Or how I was able to believe this is what was happening anyway. As far as I was concerned and my parents led us to believe, the unjust system we were a part of, was designed for us to fail.
As far as I was concerned and my parents led us to believe, the unjust system we were a part of, was designed for us to fail.
When deciding to start writing, I decided to take a closer look at the phrase that haunted me so much as a child. Turns out it's Shakespeare. A character forced to pay back a loan with a pound of flesh to a ruthless and unforgiving merchant when unable to come up with his dues.
Selling my flesh for the viewing pleasure of strangers while trying like hell to pay my dues made “My pound of flesh” the perfect way to capture how I feel.
When Things Began to Shift
As I grew into my teens and got my first job, I did begin to re-frame my money mindset slowly. I began to believe that if you worked hard you could eventually build that dream life. My parents often made excuses of why we never had money, but as I grew, I started to really see their excuses for what they were. I started to notice things I hadn't noticed before as a kid; my step-dads gambling addiction, the empty 40s lining the shelves of their room, like it was something they were proud of, their irresponsible spending during times we finally had money, and even the things they did to get that money… the list went on. The wolves my parents often spoke of that once terrified me, I also began to see for what they really were. The consequences of their actions.
The wolves my parents often spoke of that once terrified me, I also began to see for what they really were. The consequences of their actions.
After my parents began taking advantage of my first job and after the first time my mom approached me to pawn off one of my most valuable and sentimental possessions.. I began building a lot of resentment and anger towards them. I never got those items back. I use to make excuses for my mom, blaming the brainwashing my step-dad had done to her. But as I got older, and also became a mother, that illusion began to fade as well. I hold a lot of grace for people, and knowing what I know now, I find it difficult to understand how she could allow a lot of our childhood to happen. I vowed I wasn't going to put my kids through that.
Learning to Break Free
I decided I was going to work hard, pay my bills so that I would never piss off the wolves, I’d keep my flesh in fact, I'd save and do everything right. As you can imagine, while well intentioned and even possible, that's not how it went. But I actually was able to pull it off for a long time. For about 5 years after I left home at 17. I had my shit together right up to the point I had my first child and promptly lost my identity completely. I often wonder what my life would have been like if I never had children. If I'd have stayed as determined and focused as I was or if I’d eventually stray then too.
I had my shit together right up to the point I had my first child and promptly lost my identity completely.
My journey to gaining my financial freedom back has been very up and down, like all things when creating progress, its was two steps forward and one step back. Wanting to overcome my financial mindset and actually being able to, was two different things. It's not as simple as it sounds. So I decided to commit to figuring it out. Regaining myself and my identity, I would learn, would be a big part of it. I’d never be the same girl I was, but someone else.
The first time I knew I wanted to change was about two years after my divorce. Where, towards the end, I was having more bad days then good. At the time, I was the stereo typical newly single mom, young and having my first taste of freedom that Ive ever had in my whole life. Once the girls were dropped off at their dads Friday night, the next 48 hours I was a lunatic. I'd never been on my own before and I was intoxicating.. At first. Then it was overwhelming.. Then it was unmanageable.
Building my Foundation
When I finally realized I couldn't keep living the life I way I was and committed to my growth journey, I turned to self help books first. This is when I started dipping my toe into the mindset, woohooery stuff. My first self help book, was “High Performance Habits” by Brendan Burchard. Unfortunately I didn't make it past the fist habit: Seek Clarity - I immediately felt overwhelmed. I got analysis paralysis like nothing before. I had no direction at all, had no idea what I wanted and was lost.. I needed to start at the bottom.
“You are a badass” ended up being the next book I tried. It changed my life. I related to the author so much and it filled me with such reassurance that I wasn't the only one this clueless about money and what I wanted in life. It was the first book that really helped me to look more inward into the effect of mindset. I pretty much became a self help book junkie after that. I'd listen to my audio books every chance I got. I really started to believe I could make something of myself and so that when I got serious about my future.
I often joke that I was destined to be an entrepreneur, just not a successful one (I know, never make self-deprecating jokes in the midst of healing). I tried a lot of different things to change our circumstances, to date I have started at least 8 businesses. 5 of which I even made money doing!
Failing time after time or not getting the results I wanted was incredibly frustrating and to be honest it broke my spirit more and more after every failure. I don't think I’ll ever get back what's been snuffed out if I'm honest. Between my failures and heartbreaks, whatever I was before, that wild carefree woman, she had morphed into something else completely. I found myself becoming more intentional, more thoughtful and isolated. There was a lot of introspection going on, and I realized taking the risk, putting myself out there and trying new things was never my problem. It was some deep seeded core beliefs that held more influence in my decisions than my own very conscious desires.
The Rage That Fuels Me
Still struggling 20 years later after leaving home, nearing 40 with not much to show for it, this past month.. I snapped. It wasn't just one thing, but being dumped on, as it often happens that way. Its crazy how quickly your circumstances can change despite all the effort and planning you've done to create stability.
Trying to do things the “right way” by societal norms I realized, hadn't gotten me anywhere. I'd crawled through the shards of my own brokenness, climbed the career ladder, went back to school, got the corporate job. Just to be exactly where I was 5 years ago after covid. To be back where I started fills me with such a rage I can't even describe. At myself, at the support systems that failed me, at everyone who took advantage or misunderstood me..
The day I broke was the day I truly believed I was living in a system designed to fail.
I have absolutely no more fucks to give. I'm going to conquer my limiting beliefs, learn everything I can about finance so I can stop being an idiot about money and I'm going to shake my ass on camera while doing it. And I won't settle for scraping by this time and getting nothing out of it but a busted up van. This time, I'm going to make it. Whatever it takes.
Xoxo
Katelynn
