Seeking Clarity - My 7 Year Journey from Lost to Living
- 5 days ago
- 5 min read
So a funny thing happened - Picking up where I left off. Maybe I should have done this a long time ago.
Finding Clarity
If you happened to read my last update, you will remember me mentioning my first self help book, High Performance Habits! Well I still have it. I picked it up after years of toting it around with me in every place I moved to. I’ve (regretfully) gotten rid of, passed down or donated many of my books in all my moving. Even the one time I packed as much as I could fit into my car before leaving a toxic relationship. This book always came. While I hadn't reopened it, it was never left behind. Until now ;)
Inside I found post-its from April 2019! That first concept, seeking clarity, it turns out I did make it through that chapter. Just never any further at the time. All my little notes about what I wanted back then. I quickly grabbed my current post-it notes and updated to how I feel now. What once overwhelmed me from a lack of direction before, made me feel excited now. It was like creating a map, I had all the places and stops in my mind and just needed to put it into a plan that made sense.
Jazzed up and motivated by clarity, I grabbed my walking pad that's been sitting idle since January and set up under my standing desk, which also had been sitting idle since January. I planned out my week, did some of my remote job work and now writing this blog. I feel on the right track, a little more focused and hopeful after what feels like the longest 2 months of my life.
Shedding
In February I went through what I would call the beginning stages of my shedding process that has now completed after two horrible months. It felt like the shedding intensified in March, me clinging to old mindsets, while the universe was trying to force that old skin off of me.. For 6 months I'd been using a habit tracker to measure the progress of reaching my daily goals. I'd give a score each day out based on how many I accomplished. I'd see it increase every week and month. In March, I couldn't even keep track of my habits and goals. March was a complete write off and couldn't bring myself to even calculate my progress to face how hard I was falling.
It's crazy how quickly things can change. While frustrated with the things that happened those months, I was more disappointed in myself for letting the blows cripple me the way that they had. Me clinging to old mindsets like my life depended on it. The hurdles were stressful and upsetting, sure. But looking back, they did not warrant the absolute self destruction that I allowed myself following them. That was ridiculous and honestly I'm embarrassed by how much I let them affect me. I think I was just looking for an excuse to self sabotage.
Big Changes in The New Year
Those months were so different than my last really great month in January. I honestly felt really happy that month and like I'd finally made it, it was where I wanted to stay. Which I suppose is why the universe struck me then, I could have stayed there forever. I was happy. Little unfair I didn't get to enjoy it longer, but I did ask for big changes, soooo..
Now April brings a new year. Like somehow I shedded my old self and once again stepped into a new era. Shedding always seems to gross and painful right? I've been lucky to have avoided one for so long. Life's been good for a long time, too long. And it finally peaked lol. Guess the universe thought it was a little too comfortable and unchallenging. No wonder the universe tested me. I want greatness and I was starting to settle for mediocrity. Needed to shake things up a bit.
As much as I hate to admit it, I am thankful for the discomfort the last couple of months brought to force me to push harder. Sure being an adult content creator might not sound like the master plan the universe had for me and maybe it's not. But it is pushing me forward, toward whatever the hell it is I'm supposed to be striving for.
That 3 Letter Word
Before I continue, I'm not religious, not anymore. But I do believe in universal consciousness, frequency, energy, that type of thing. While the idea of "God" isn't something I allow to influence me anymore, I do believe in something bigger. I have a lot of feelings and opinions regarding organized religion, including my own experiences being devout. But I'll save that for another time, let me know if you're interested in the backstory! For now, this isn't about that. My writing today isn't about social justice, its about the idea of sex.
I thought sex was God's gift to man..?
Sex to me is the most natural thing. And I felt a lot of shame, rules and stigmas about it growing up. There's so many very strong opinions around the subject that it's actually insane how regulated and censored it is. Maybe if it wasn't and was given more freedom of expression, we wouldn't have the so many sexually frustrated psychos running around. Cause lets be honest. In general, anytime the subject of sex comes up, the room gets really uncomfortable.. And those that are comfortable with sex are mocked, ridiculed, judged.. Why is that? I thought sex was God's gift to man..?
Bring on The Pitchforks
In my subconscious mind somewhere, there is a part of me telling me not to do this, that I will be shamed, that I'll deserve that shame, to be tarred and feathered and shunned by everyone I know. The conscious part of me however, is asking why. Cause I love sex, I love my body, I love that men love my body. To be clear, its been a long while since I've been the promiscuous type. Now I'm lucky if I can find anyone I like enough to let touch me, its been several months since the last time and will likely be several more. But summers coming so who knows. Spring fever hits this girl hard.
Aaaaanyway.. the point that I guess I'm trying to make is that I don't want to feel ashamed or embarrassed about what I do. I don't think any of us should. Getting clarity really helped me articulate everything in a way that made sense. What I want, how I feel about it, my situation, how I want to move forward and most importantly how I'd feel if I ever was to be exposed. The nagging fear that makes me wonder if it's worth it.
So go ahead and cast your stone if you feel the need, I'm still going to be doing what I do and be happier for it.
The clarity helps me go into my day feeling confident in myself, my decisions and what I'm capable of. It's also helping me to remember that people will think what they want. No one knows everything and there is just so much that we don't know. The idea of judging others because we think we know more just seems more and more ridiculous to me. So go ahead and cast your stone if you feel the need, I'm still going to be doing what I do and be happier for it.
Keep thriving babes xoxo
Katelynn
